When you can’t figure things out, just hold on

Today started out a pretty good day. It was a Sunday so the lot of us were bundled off to church. We spent to whole day out and didn’t even once go home. So according to Tim this was a “very special day” because he doesn’t have to go home. HAHAHA. right.

It ended with us at the foot of our block with Erika unconscious (in the arms of her mommy) and a half whining, half complaining, half crying Tim in My hands. It was 1050 or so and it was way past my bedtime (and also that of the kids).

As it is quite predictable, Tim wakes up during the journey up to our flat and begins to whine incessantly, wanting his mother to carry him. I, quite predictably, eventually loose my temper around the fifth floor and put him on the floor for him to walk on his own because ‘I’ve had it’.

Anyways, all this leads to a fairly unpleasant going to bed for him as he is sobbing while drinking his milk to sleep. Praise asks me to go speak to him because he is upset that I am angry with him.

“Are you upset Tim?”. Nod. “Are you upset with daddy?”. Nod. “Why are you upset with daddy?”. “Because I want Mommy.” “Huh? Because you want Mommy? Is it because Daddy got angry with you?”. Nod. “How come you didn’t tell me? Is it because you were scared?”. Nod. “Tim, sometimes when you are crying, and we can’t do what you are asking us to do, Daddy really doesn’t know what to do. Did you know that?” He kinda stares at me like he is really surprised. “What should I do Tim? Can you tell me?” (This of course is a totally stupid question to ask considering he is 3+ and I’M the Dad).

The end of this evening really was not so great but I did learn 1 thing. The answer to what to do when a child cries and cries and there is nothing we can do, is just to hold on. Not to get mad, not to freak out but just to hold on. He will likely kick you, call for someone other than you to carry him and test the boundaries of your hearing in one ear but just hold on.

I can only imagine what God our heavenly father must go through with me the many times I too cry out when I am exhausted from messing around with my friends all day long, wanting things that will not do me any good at all. The times I kick and scream and want to have my way because I ‘just have to’. I’ve noticed that God just quietly hangs on to me and doesn’t let me go.

I did finally tell Tim I was sorry. He nodded while his eyes were now almost closed while he acknowledged my apology. “Are you still upset?”. Shakes his head. “Daddy’s not very good at being a Daddy right now Tim.” No response, deep breathing.

Next time I’ll just hold on.